Journal entries, April 2012

April 20, 2012

“It’s true, Lord Jesus, I can’t see very far ahead. I’m looking to next Tuesday, the 24th when we will see the surgeon. Beyond that, the way is shadowed and the path looks dim. Today I don’t like the heaviness in my chest. I don’t know how much to push today. Truly, I dare not take a step alone.

I believe that “You will make the waiting beautiful”, and that “Patience is divine”–Your gift to me today. Thank You—I am trusting/depending on You.

My “self-constituted strength” is nothing. “What have I to dread, what have I to fear, leaning on the everlasting arms. I have blessed peace with my Lord so near—safe and secure from all alarms.” YES! It is true! Thank You!

April 22, 2012

Exceeding Abundantly, Ephesians 3:20, 21

“Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly, above all we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.”

“Lord Jesus, here is where You call us, You enable us to live in the “exceeding abundantlies” that You provide. Sometimes I have seen them, lived in that reality as when You gave me this text on the day when you took away my debilitating migraine headaches forever.

Sometimes the “exceeding abundantlies” came only in pieces, rays of light through the divorce and then the death of my parents. Always there, but dimmed by grief.

But in these last years (my aging years) the “abundantlies” overflow each sunrise–exceedingly far beyond my capacity to receive them. They are new every morning, my Faithful Lover of my heart. May I receive more deeply and share more fully in whatever time is left.’

April 23, 2012

“Is anything too hard for the Lord?” Genesis 18:14
“Lord, I do “believe”. I am choosing to go forward on this journey, but to do Your will deeply, all the time is impossible for me. This is the impossibility I bring to You. We can say it “do His will” but we cannot live it unless we are constantly connected to You, unless You are living through us, through me.

“I believe “Live Out Your Life Within Me” can happen in these weeks ahead. But human frailty looms so large. Help me to look not at me, but at You. Fill my whole horizon with Your Peace, Your Rest, Your Calm, Your Very Presence, Jesus.

“I am longing for these precious Gifts, but what I’m really asking for is YOU. Live out Your life within me. What a miracle!”

April 24, 2012

“Thank You, LORD, for all the times I saw You today.
1. My daughter and son’s total support, wise questions, connection with the surgeon. Their acceptance of me and my questions regarding the future, yet challenging some of my conclusions.
2. Thank You, for Rick on the phone, for the bond we have of mutual love and support. I’m so grateful for my children and who they are and who we are together.
3. Thank you for Lila and Ben and their listening even as they struggled with the diagnosis. Thank you for their faith and their strength. (Same for 1 and 2).
4. Thank you for the kind doctor who told us hard facts with caring. (Calcified aortic stenosis—inoperable).

In all these I saw YOU. I am surrounded by love. “Unfailing Love enfolds those who trust in Him”. It’s true—so true! Thank you for life today.”

April 24, 2012

“Today, Precious Lord, I am at the “Beach” where the endless ocean of Your Love alternately pounds in, in uncontestable power and then gently touches in quiet carressing wavelets. It is singing all the while the Song of the Ages, the song of Grace beyond words. I am transported beyond today, beyond this little life to eternity.

I am kneeling by the Sea of Glass, lost in the wonder of full communion, the wonder of You. I am dancing, wrapped in Joy unspeakable, living in everlasting life.”

April 27, 2014

“This is my heart’s desire. That I will “go out in Joy”. The way I picture this, Loving Saviour, is that there will be time for an anointing service including my family and my church family and the six people in the community where we have shared a spiritual walk together.

And to me going out in Joy means there will be time enough so my loved ones can come and be here with You and me in my quiet sanctuary of Peace and Love and Joy.

I am not asking for a long life beyond what I already have—but for life long enough for precious ones to be blessed, revived by who You are here.

I ask that Your joy may overflow and that when the time comes I will go out in Joy, leaving Joy behind.”

April 30, 2012

“Lord, I know, I know clearly this day that I’m asking for a miracle. All my need feels huge this morning—the Journals on the bed need to somehow be translated to something to bless my precious grand children and others. It’s my legacy to them.

My strength is lessening. Only You can make it adequate. I recall the poem you gave me when I was seventeen and in college. I’ve based my whole life on its truth. You have never failed me. I look up to You and smile!

“I cannot do it alone, the waves break high.
The night is cold around me, the lights go out in the sky.
But I know in the end, we will win—Jesus and I.

A coward and wayward and weak, I change with the changing sky
Today so strong and weak, tomorrow too weak to try.
But He never gives in, so we too shall win—Jesus and I.”